After a phone call with her nephew Theo late last summer, my sister Adriene shared some information with me. “You’re Theo’s problem,” she said. By this alarming statement, she meant that was how Theo sees me. I prepared to listen and learn.
Adriene found Theo mostly amiable and communicative during the call, once he had thoroughly explained why he would not say hello to her in the usual way and why he hadn’t wanted to see or talk to her in a long time. Theo had been feuding with his Aunt Adriene off and on for a few years, with occasional reconciliatory indications. But it appeared that communication lines were now open, which was a positive step.
“My mom is my problem,” Theo confided to Adriene. I think I understand what he means: Basically, I represent authority in our household of two. Since he feels honor bound to reject all forms of authority, he will push back on almost everything I say to him. If I ask, “How did you sleep?” Theo feels this is none of my business. “Do you need to turn the light on?” he sees an intrusion on his autonomy. (To be fair, I remember being annoyed by being asked, “Do you have enough light?” as I read a book, by my mom and grandmas.)
I may try to get Theo involved in helping out around the house and yard—I used to refer to this as “chores,” but now that he has taken a dislike to the term, I’ve tried other expressions. (I can hear my aunts reacting to this with “Who cares if he doesn’t like the word? Chores are chores! You’re going to call it something different just because he doesn’t like it!” and so on. Well, let them try to get him to do something he doesn’t want to do.)
I’ve developed a variety of approaches. Note the absence of the ultimate if possibly dated statement used by my mom: “Wait until your father gets home.”
Using Psychic Ability to Elicit Compliance
Direct statement (a “demand” or “order,” according to Theo): “You’re going to sweep the front rooms today.”
Polite request: “Would you please get all your dark laundry out? I’m starting a load.”
Suggestion: “You really stink.” (Okay, this is really a comment, but it’s not a command to take a shower.)
Appeal for empathy and cooperation: “When I come back from the store, I would appreciate your help unloading the groceries. There’s going to be a lot, and my back has been hurting.”
Indirect statement: “It would be really great if I didn’t have to ask you to bring the bins back from the curb tonight. I would be so thrilled.”
Offer to participate: “Come on, let’s go each bring a bin back.”
Speculation: “I wonder if your dirty clothes will be [off the floor and] in the hamper by the time I’m back.”
Psychic ability would help in choosing an effective approach, but I don’t actually have any, unless you count that everyday kind when someone calls you just as you’re thinking of them. So determining which approach to use means guessing, basically, which one Theo might be most receptive to at that moment.1
“I will leave, and I will take your name out of my Contacts.”
These approaches sometimes succeeded, usually after an intentional delay meant to emphasize that the action was his own choice, not a response to my request. And sometimes Theo responded with the fascinating mix of verbal pushback combined with physical action or action preparatory to fulfilling the request; for example: “Would you stop bothering me and forcing me!” while putting on his shoes to bring the bins back.
Reaction these days2 is most often negative.
Theo’s Reactions
Claiming independence: “I’m in charge of my own life!”
Finding evil intent even in polite requests: “Stop insulting me! You’re so rude!” “You can’t force me!”
Usurping authority: “You’re not in charge! I’m in charge!”
Altering reality: “You are not my mother.” “This is not your house.”
Threatening to leave: “I will leave, and I will take your name out of my Contacts.” (I note this is a technological update to earlier generations’ running away declarations: “I’m leaving, and I’m never coming back.”)
Theo has always been self-directed, which basically means he prefers to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it. This is a young man in need of civilizing, and I assure you I’ve been working on it since he was born.
I tell Theo that we want to have a peaceful life together in our home that we share for now. I remind him that Theo has pronounced—in front of doctors, his school team, and family members on different occasions—that the most important thing in life is Family and Fun. But Theo sees our life as a battle, a fight for independence and release from all rules (in terms of “rules,” I don’t even use that word! I hear more outcry from aunts).
I described this general situation to my sister Adriene as we talked about their phone conversation and how Theo reacts to me in daily life. I described his driving wish for independence.
Effectively sweeping my conclusion aside, Adriene said: “I have a different theory.”
Next: Bargaining: Possible Outcomes, Part 2
Next related post: (not sure yet)
To be delved into further in future post(s)
At time of writing