Post-its are stuck on the walls in key places around our house, saying things like “Take a deep breath” and “Don’t overtalk.” These are reminders to me for how to talk with and deal with Theo, based on my experience and advice I’ve been given. These reminders are especially important when Theo is upset and arguing.
“Overtalking” doesn’t really mean talking too much or talking over the other person. It’s more about not talking simply and thoughtfully enough, with pauses and wait time for Theo’s processing. That includes not getting sidetracked by him going off the subject or saying something so new or outrageous that I pursue it, instead of sticking to the point at hand.
When I overtalk, Theo gets upset and feels pressured. If we’re talking on a sensitive subject, like his behavior or the necessity of doing daily tasks—which he takes as a challenge to his independence—I need to slow down and go gently. If he starts ranting and perseverating1 on old themes, like blaming me for his father leaving, I need to look beyond that to read his demeanor and tone for his feelings. When I say something like, “I’m not sure what you’re saying, but I can see that you’re feeling angry. Can you tell me about what is making you feel that way?”, that not only seems to take some pressure off him as he tries to verbalize his feelings but also helps me to focus on how Theo feels rather than what he says. The more we work on the subject that way, the more light is shed and we both can relax a little.
The hardest thing for me is staying patient and focused when I’m feeling tired, overwhelmed, irritable, hungry, whatever. But focus is what is needed—focus and time. Otherwise, we won’t make a real connection. Listening and looking eye to eye while staying calm when he is not, and speaking quietly when he is loud or shouting, feels like a real achievement.
When Theo sees that I’m not going to back down on whatever is the point of contention, and that I’m staying calm, it sets a limit on the situation. He can keep on venting anger or trying to argue or negotiate, but I won’t budge. At least, that’s the idea.
Sidewalk Scene
A few years ago when Theo was at the most difficult part of his adolescence, I managed not to budge when he created a public scene out on the front sidewalk. He threw a fit over not having his favorite sauce to put on his pasta for supper; I said I was not going to the store. It was time to eat, and I knew Theo was hungry. Moreover, I did not want to set a precedent of doing something for him because he had started screaming about it. Moms are not perfect and do not always remember to get things at the store!
This sauce scene escalated into Theo saying he was leaving, going out the back door and heading down the driveway to the street. This was more of a visual statement than a real threat since he stopped when he was a few houses away.
Gradually, as I approached at a cautious distance, talking quietly, Theo started to walk back toward our house until we were standing in front of it. Theo kept demanding that I go out to buy the sauce. I stood my ground, trying to sound and look calm while wondering if any neighbors would call the police—apart from our voices, the neighborhood had become very quiet. Theo shouted and yelled at me, sometimes violating my personal space and looming threateningly over me.
My next-door neighbor, Sam, who is great, had come out and was sitting on his front steps. “Hey Theo,” he called. “Want to have a talk, as a friend?”
Theo ignored him and continued ranting at me. I kept saying, “I’m not going to the store,” gradually introducing and repeating, “You need to go inside and eat your supper.”
After staying around a few minutes, I heard Sam say, “Well, it sounds like you have it under control,” and he withdrew.
I don’t remember how long the scene lasted, maybe 45 minutes from the first escalation in the house until he was back inside and simmered down. We were outside at least 15 to 20 minutes.
Meltdown
When Theo escalates to a meltdown like that, there’s not much danger of me overtalking. At that point, it’s about standing my ground and repeating my response in as few words as possible, in between his yelling over me.
Theo may be hurling insults at me, using bad language, reproaching me for past perceived faults, making more and more outrageous statements or threats about what he’s going to do if he doesn’t get what he wants. But he doesn’t really want to see me escalate into a similarly angry and unpredictable state. He needs to see that his anger won’t inflame mine. However raw I feel inside, I try to keep face and voice steady so that he’ll be ranting into the face of calm.
Taking the Time
And this kind of scene should take the time that is needed. I may try to avoid getting drawn in at first, not wanting my day’s schedule derailed. I may be talking while half of my mind is thinking: I’m hungry, when can I get something to eat? I’m tired, how soon can I go to bed? But here is my son demanding, needing my attention.
The sooner and more completely I respond, the likelier it is that we might come to a resolution or anyway a calmer level without risk of an escalation and meltdown. If my initial response doesn’t include overtalking that interferes with him being able to get his feelings across, that also helps avoid an escalation.
It’s necessary to clear a mental space to make room to focus and listen. And to listen and respond with an open—even if aching—heart. It’s hard!
Next: The Operations of Faith
About boldfaced terms: Overtalking is my own term. Perseverating means sticking to the same subject and coming back to it over and over; sounding like a broken record.
My daughter has similar meltdowns. I wished I had learned your calm, stay firm approach before the angry escalating became such a hopeless circle of bad habits between my daughter and I. The unfortunate part is that my daughter resorts to violence😞 always has. And perhaps at 38 yrs old, she’s been misdiagnosed most of her life
I love this beautiful example of how emotionally regulating ourselves ripples out, creating stability and a space for listening, and also I see and appreciated the workout the heart gets on a regular basis!!! Listening is a generous act that bears fruit! Thank you.