“You’re too loud,” I often said to my husband.
“This is my natural voice,” he would answer, as usual not acknowledging or accepting that this characteristic was bothering me.
“Your natural voice is loud,” I invariably answered.
Theo is loud, too. Anyway, I thought of this too-often repeated exchange recently when mulling over how I talk with Theo these days versus how I did during his childhood.
For one thing, I had predetermined that I would speak to Theo the way I do with everyone else, apart from the normal high-pitched crooning that one does with babies. My own natural way of talking, if you can call it that, is to speak rather fast and jump easily from one subject to another, to interrupt other people in my eagerness to communicate or entertain or ask questions. This manner of conversation is difficult enough for most people to follow; it’s not helpful at all for those who have trouble processing information and expressing themselves in words.
Theo’s father, on the other hand, when speaking seriously, would go into things at greater depth and at length, not “darting all over the place” as I did. He spoke more slowly and deliberately. If I urged him to get to the point, he would say, “I’m not a Swiss train.” If I broke in to ask him to clarify something, he’d often lose his train of thought1 and start over again from the beginning.
So Theo’s early experiences of speech were with these two different conversational styles—overheard, if not used with little Theo—as well as two languages. Theo’s father is from France and spoke to Theo mostly in French when Theo was young. Both of us parents liked to talk about funny things, acted out stories we told, gave dramatic importance to our everyday lives, laughed a lot and grumbled a lot, and both of us sang a lot in French and English.
I think I can say that Theo benefited from some of this. When he’s feeling comfortable, he likes to talk with others. He has a big vocabulary, a lot of it from watching movies and TV. Theo is not bilingual, but he understands a lot of French and sprinkles his conversation with French phrases (which sometimes got him into trouble at school). Theo has a great sense of humor and shows originality in using it; he’s funny, dramatic, and musical.
But I think now there was a bit of arrogance in my talking with Theo as I did with everyone else, not to mention impatience. Just as Theo’s father didn’t care that his loud voice bothered me, I didn’t take enough into account how my rapid speech (and overtalking2) might affect Theo. I learned, of course, as time went on, that in teaching Theo new tasks, I needed to be clear and break things down into steps. I wish now I had concentrated more on this. Our life sometimes felt like a blur, with me working full time, and it was tiring and stressful. But it would have been better if I had slowed down more, in my speech and in my attention and time with Theo.
“They did the best they could with what they knew at the time,” is the sort of thing people say about their parents or other people’s parents. Whether I did the best I could or not, it’s more important now to be in the present moment with Theo than to focus on regret over the past. Writing about all of this now is helping me clarify the past and present, which feels like a gift.
Next: Bargaining: Possible Outcomes, Part 1
An unconsciously written pun!
The term overtalking was introduced in Post-it Reminders: Overtalking, published on
April 2.
More on Overtalking
I love this. I have never thought about my speech pattern. Similar to yours I tend to interrupt people to be part of the conversation. Language is so interesting and my cousins and I seem to have our own language specifically our own
Me, speaking to daughter who speaks too loudly: "J, you're talking too loudly." J: "Mom, I HATE it when you say that!" After a few years of her loud voice, I began just giving her a hand signal (palm down, moving downward). J: "Mom, STOP it!" She's an adult now and we still clash, and now I don't give her any verbal or hand reminders. Sadly, we still struggle. Heartbreaking.